By Grandmaster Brown at Ancient Ways Martial Arts Academy
We see a lot at the dojo. Kids at their best, focused, determined, respectful. And sometimes, we see them at their most fragile, upset, overwhelmed, or struggling emotionally. That’s part of what makes martial arts so powerful. It’s not just kicks and punches; it’s a safe place to learn life skills and build resilience.
But there’s one thing we’ve noticed over the years that’s harder to teach on the mat: the impact of physical affection, or the lack of it, on a child’s emotional regulation.
Let me tell you about Emily (not her real name).
Emily is seven. She’s smart, energetic, and has a creative imagination that could outshine most adults. But she has a hard time coping when things don’t go exactly right. If her partner misses a cue in a drill, she melts down. If she forgets a step in a kata, she breaks into tears. Her reactions are big, emotional, and often disproportionate to the situation. At first glance, you might think she’s just sensitive or dramatic.
But here’s what we observed over time.
In our Summer Camp, we noticed that she melts down if one of her friends shows friendship with other children. Every day she attends, Emily walks into the dojo alone, trailing behind her parents who are glued to their phones or seem distant from her. No one holds her hand in the parking lot. No one kneels to her level and says, “Have a great class, sweetheart!” She leaves the same way, no high fives, no hugs, no “I’m proud of you.” Just a quiet walk to the car. As instructors, we always give her a fist bump or a high five, that’s as much as my staff are allowed to touch the students, but it’s not the same.
Emily isn’t overreacting. She’s starving, for affection, for safety, for a signal that she’s emotionally anchored.
The Psychology of Physical Affection
Children crave physical affection, and I’m telling you, from a child development standpoint, it’s not just warm and fuzzy, it’s biological. A consistent lack of physical affection can impact:
- Emotional Regulation – Kids who don’t experience comforting touch may struggle to manage big feelings. They may either explode or shut down.
- Self-Worth – Hugs, kisses, even holding hands communicate one powerful message: You matter. Without that, kids often feel unseen or unimportant.
- Security and Trust – Physical affection reinforces a sense of safety. When that’s missing, anxiety can creep in, even in otherwise safe environments.
Research shows that affectionate touch, especially from a parent, releases oxytocin, the “bonding hormone,” and helps lower cortisol, the stress hormone. It’s one of the most powerful ways to teach a child that they are loved, supported, and safe.
What You Can Do (Starting Today)
You don’t have to be a “huggy” person to make a difference. Try simple things:
- Hold your child’s hand when walking to the dojo. If they don’t want to do so, require it. They aren’t qualified to make grown up decisions.
- Put a gentle hand on their shoulder when you speak to them. Get eye level with them. Watch my instructors take a knee when talking to a child.
- Offer a hug, a high five, or even just a pat on the back after class.
- Look them in the eyes and smile when you say, “I’m proud of you,” and let them know you love that they do martial arts and that you get to watch them.
These little moments of connection fill up their emotional tank and build a foundation for self-confidence and emotional resilience. You’ll be amazed how much more regulated, focused, and secure your child becomes, on the mat and off it.
At Ancient Ways, we believe in training the whole child, mind, body, and spirit. And sometimes, the strongest move a parent can make isn’t a block or a strike, it’s a simple hug.