I have found that there are five primary parenting styles, although most people are a combination. Finding the right combo can be difficult.
First is the authoritarian parent. They demand obedience and are very controlling. They will have unrealistic expectations of their child and are frequently negative towards the child. They will often tell us how to run our school and teach our classes. They seldom consider what is the best thing for the child, as their ego is the most important thing. These children find it difficult to make their own choices as adults, instead, doing what is expected of them, often ending up in jobs and relationships that are not ideal for them.
Second is the permissive parents. They are often very loving but don’t exert any control. The child chooses what they are going to do, what to watch, what to eat, when to go to bed and without any parenting controlling them, they actually feel less loved and less cared for. Because these children had no limits as kids, they often don’t have good limits as adults either and are often inconsiderate towards others.
Third, authoritative parents are firm but loving, they encourage independence but with limits. They set up a reward system instead of a punishment system. They set reasonable consequences and follow through on the consequences to maintain trust. We find these children to be more adaptive to the challenges of adulthood.
The fourth type of parenting, Neglective parents are usually uninvolved and even uninterested in their children, even to the point that they seem like the child is a burden on them. I see a lot of younger parents who are still looking to “party” in this category as well as professional parents who are career focused. These children grow into adults who have poor touch on their emotions, keeping them locked away and struggling to make real connections.
The fifth type is a fairly new identification called the Over-involved parents or helicopter parents. They protect the child from harm whether it be emotional or physical. These children never learn to overcome obstacles by themselves since their parents do everything for them. They may procrastinate instead of doing difficult things as adults and will quit whenever things get difficult.
Maria Montessori, the founder of the Montessori method of education taught that we should, “Never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed.” Even if they fail, they learn. Doing it for them steals that opportunity for growth.
I recommend to parents all the time, set up a reward system similar to martial arts. When you do these things, you get what you want. It’s no different than you doing your job and getting paid. What do our kids want that we probably should control access to anyway, their phones, tablets and video games. You get paid if you do your job, you might be paid more and get a bonus or a raise if you do a better job. We can do the same thing.
Give your child ten minutes of screen time every day, no matter what. This is their pay for being your child. Never take away something a child values, tablets, games, etc, they will learn to value nothing, instead reward them, or don’t, but that first ten minutes is guaranteed
Now we are going to give them ten more minutes for each thing we want them to do better. Oh, you can use more than ten minutes, but I would keep it low and let them earn more. So for my kids, they got an additional ten minutes for
- Practicing martial arts for at least 30 minutes every day
- Doing their assigned chores…without being reminded
- Doing their homework, or if they don’t have any, reading for 30 minutes
- Treating family with love and respect
Great, get it all done and you now have 50 minutes total and as a bonus for completing all 4 items, you get an additional 10 minutes, so one hour total of screen time.
What you choose for your child to earn is up to you. But keep the tasks few and we want to give them the reward as immediately as possible. “Get good grades and we’ll go to Disney world in 2029,” is too far away. Even promising something this weekend is too distant for children. The younger the child, the more immediate the reward should be.
To be clear, this is not the Montessori method. Maria wanted children to succeed for their love of succeeding, not for praise or reward, but I’ve found this method to be highly effective for 4 decades and with thousands of students. I think starting with a praise and reward system is great. It’s what we do with new martial arts students. By the time they are on the last stretch for Black Belt, then they are working by themselves based on their love of success, not on the rewards.