I was just in Publix and a woman on a scooter cart was kind of circling around me as I was waiting for my sub. I could tell she was trying to see my name on my uniform, and I sort of recognized her too.
Finally, she says, “I barely recognized you,”
I replied, “Yes Ma’am, I get that a lot since I shaved my head.”
“You ruined my son’s life, you should be proud of yourself. It was about 20 years ago,..”
I just turned and walked away. The temptation to have a conversation with her would not have gone well, and I’ve had enough of a beating this week, I don’t need more. Hunting me down to attempt to publicly shame me in a grocery store, when she never called to have a conversation about the problem proves a couple of things about her. Engaging her in conversation would not have solved any of it. She needs to get some help with her anger issues and of blaming other people for problems she obviously is a big part of.
Have I made some enemies along the way? Absolutely, but obviously that was not my intent. It was Mark Twight who said, “Success breeds contempt.”
I know of two former adult students who blame me for their life’s misfortunes because I refused to award them rank they had not earned.
I have former employees who seemed to feel like they were partners in the business, even though they didn’t make any contribution to the backing and building of the business. They were paid as employees, then got upset when I didn’t give them their own location.
I’ve had a couple of mom’s upset we wouldn’t let their child train because the child’s behavior was so outrageous, it was detrimental to our other students and to my business. By the way, this is a business, not a non-for-profit. I won’t apologize for trying to be successful and for doing what is best for the business. Not to mention to maintain the safety of my students and to be respectful of their experience.
We have turned away several families because the parent’s behavior was outrageous and in three cases, abusive to the child in front of us. Yes, we reported them, as we must do by law.
I’ve had several upset that I would not let their child attend for free, or upgrade their child to a higher level program at no cost. That also would be disrespectful to all the other students.
I don’t know what this lady’s story was, I wasn’t going to feed into her behavior, but whatever it was, here is what we do, and it’s what we are paid to do. We teach a practical system of self defense based martial arts. We teach life skills and engage our students in powerful character development. At no point do we go, “How can we ruin this person’s life.”
Everyone, especially a parent, should take responsibility for their problems, even if there is some chance that they can openly blame the life event on someone else, it is still their responsibility to deal with the outcome. If someone hits my car, I’m going to be upset, and if it’s their fault, I am still the person who is ultimately responsible for fixing the situation, not the other person. I will have my insurance contact theirs and I will get the work done for repairs, but blaming the other person doesn’t help the situation. Yes, it was their fault, but I have to get it fixed, I am ultimately responsible.
Let’s say my kid is heartbroken because he didn’t pass his belt rank exam. The instructor warned me the child needs to work harder, needs to practice at home and he recommended a few additional classes before final exam time. If I don’t take those actions, then it is not their fault. It’s my fault for not taking their advice. If I did do those things and my child still fails, then this is still not the instructor’s fault, my child needs more work, more motivation and support on my part, and an understanding that his actions have consequences. It is actually a very valuable lesson for my child. They are about to learn one of life’s greatest lessons, success comes from hard work. But it’s so much easier to blame the instructor and not my angel. Why can’t they just give the kid his belt? Why do they take it so seriously?
Parents, if there is one thing I can say about guiding our kids through life it is this. They are completely, and I don’t mean this to sound harsh, but completely unqualified to make the decisions many of you are letting them make and they will NEVER learn there are consequences for their actions if you don’t let them mess up, let them fail and then guide them back to success. I was a helicopter parent, but it was to guide them past their mistakes, not to keep them from making them. Our jobs are not to make their lives easier. That just creates entitled adults who are unable to cope with all the problems life throws at them. I guarantee you that this woman in Publix today is the culprit, not the victim, and I don’t even know what the problem is. Our job is to give our children the strength to make their own lives easier. It requires setting them up for challenges, like martial arts training, for failures, for mess ups, for mistakes and then guiding them back from those events to finally succeed. No one learns to do a great spin hook kick without being terrible at it for very long time. It is the same for relationships, reading, and everything.
To that woman in Publix. I hope the best for you and your son, and whoever he is, I always did.